Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
