Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
