I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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