Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
