He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
