i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
