yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
