Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
