Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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