the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
