she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
