yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
