i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He did a backflip because drugs
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
