I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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