Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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