Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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