Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
