Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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