I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
