guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
