You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
