Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
