I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
