You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
