I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Found your dick twin last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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