Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
