Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
