I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
