I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
