I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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