just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
