I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
