Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
