i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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