So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
