she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
