Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
