I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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