If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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