you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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