Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
