At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
