Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
