i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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