On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
