Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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