There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Operation Purity has been aborted
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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