Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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