Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Someone stole a lamp last night.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
