I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
