just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Randomize
